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After most of us experienced a near fatal stroke watching the latest rendition of Superman, rumblings have been heard of another incarnation that is sure to cause a brain hemorrhage in a large part of the population. Superman has become the laughing stock of some and is being met by total indifference by others. Here’s why producers and Hollywood gurus should never make another Superman movie again. Well maybe not never, but not for the next 50 years or so.

The Actor

Of all people, the bumbling casting picked Brandon Routh to play Superman. Why, because they happen to look alike? The comic book Christopher Reeves appearance for Superman died when Smallville became entrenched in the mind of the movie culture. When people think of Superman today, they think Tom Welling, not Brandon Routh. It doesn’t matter that Welling doesn’t have the classic Superman look. What matters is the perception of the public. The public wants Welling and anyone else should be the second choice.

Villains

The knock against Superman has always been that the villains he faces are flat in personality, uninteresting and totally suck. If we compare Superman to Batman, the latter’s villains are almost as popular as the hero and like the hero, have etched themselves in mainstream culture. Most people have heard of The Joker, Catwoman and The Penguin. How many people have heard of even one Superman villain? (Lex Luther doesn’t count because he’s not really a true villain and is probably the most inept criminal in the history of crime) Superman needs either some stiff competition or early retirement. (If you can call fighting crime since 1933 early.)

Passing On the Wrong Girl

With all due respect to Lois Lane, anybody, superhero or not) who passes on Lana Lang for the annoying reporter doesn’t deserve their own movie. Ya ok, Kristin Kreuk may have taken Lana Lang up a notch or two in the comic world, but who cares? Superman should have thought with his little head instead of his big one.

L is for Loser

What is with the L.L. initials? Lana Lang, Lois Lane, Lex Luther and Loose Lacey. (Ok, I made the last one up) Is there a reason that Siegel and Shuster used predominantly L.L. initials? Comic book fans would have cried cheese if Peter Parker’s love interest was called Penelope Peters, Norman Osborn’s name was Petrovich Peterson and Harry Osborn’s name was Petreski Peterson. Change the names. It’s damn lame.

What’s good About Kansas?

I can’t stand the portrayal of Kansas as some clean cut state anymore. Well all know that Superman is just a story, but this denial that Kansas is full of nuns and pro bono lawyers is a pile of Kent farm manure. Kansas, like most of the world, excels at two things: Creative and repetitive intoxication and freaky frivolous fornication. I may be a bit facetious with that remark, but you get my drift. At least we can all take solace in the fact that the creators didn’t pick Iowa or Nebraska as Kal-El’s home.

He Doesn’t Fly

The line “He leaps over tall buildings in a single bound” is exactly that. Superman never has and never will fly. Superman only learned flight during his transition from print to the big screen. Now, I’m not one of those comic freaks that foolishly believe the story of a superhero must stay the same when he/she makes the big jump to Hollywood. It’s a totally different medium and it isn’t realistic to expect the story to stay exactly the same. That begin said, changing the powers of a superhero is a little much. Just imagine the director of Batman deciding that Bruce Wayne will be able to shoot fireballs out of his ass during the movie adaption. Laughable and pathetic.

Killer Kryptonite

If I see one more piece of Kryptonite I’m going to light the Kent farm on fire. Green, red, white, yellow, blue, burgundy and whatever other kind of color some writer has thought up. It’s getting old and dull. If a story is going to continue for almost a century, then the writers better make sure there is enough original material to keep us and the story going. Simply recreating the same old idea of multi-colored geology isn’t going to cut it.

Live a Little

For a movie to work, the main character or characters need to be up to date with contemporary culture. People either need to automatically relate to the individual or they had better be told why said person behaves the way they do. This good vs. bad ideology just doesn’t work at this point in human evolution. We generally prefer troubled souls who have to make tough decisions (Spiderman) or a tweener that flip flops between the light and the dark and often commits morally questionable acts. (Batman) Loyalists would argue that changing Superman in anyway would be sacrilegious. However, all the other popular mainstream characters have undergone some sort of alteration over their long history. Superman had better catch up to the times or get his sorry ass back to Krypton.

Where the Heck is Metropolis?

Apparently Metropolis is a copy of Toronto in layout, but is located in the state of Kansas. The only two places in Kansas that would qualify as being more that small hamlets would be Topeka and Wichita. Since both of these “towns” don’t have buildings over three stories, or paved roads for that matter, it seems a little preposterous for even a fictional setting like Metropolis to be located in a state where a traffic jam is three cars in one intersection.

Is That a Disguise?

What makes my blood boil the most when is comes to Superman is the disguise. He takes the gel out of his hair and puts on glasses and then proceeds to parade around Metropolis without any of the apparently gullible metropolians (or whatever you call them) recognizing him. What’s even worse is that he changes in a see through phone booth! What’s next? Batman getting into his gear beside an ATM, hoping that nobody catches a glimpse of his big chin?

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