Last House on the Left
I know some of you out there probably enjoyed this movie, but for me, this might be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. The acting is flat out atrocious, but it’s a low budget production. I guess they couldn’t afford Dustin Hoffman. What’s even worse than the acting though is the horrible script. The story is about a group of teenagers who are kidnapped and murdered. The attackers accidentally stumble onto the house of the one of the murdered girl’s parents. The parents learn of their daughter’s death and take revenge. Okay, now that we know the story, when the girls are leaving the house for the last time they tell their parents they’re going to see a band. Out of all the names for the band they could’ve picked what name was written into the script? BLOOD LUST! I guess I should also mention that during the killing scenes what kind of frightening music is played. Oh yeah, they played folk music during a horror movie. That really set the mood. This is an adaptation of Ingmar Bergman’s The Virgin Spring. That’s a great movie. Wes Craven was responsible for this turkey. I’m not surprised I hated it. I’ve never understood his appeal. I’ll take John Carpenter any day.
War and Peace (1955)
Tolstoy’s War and Peace has been called the greatest novel ever. Well, I wouldn’t know because I’ve never read it. Yet, for a novel that is so revered I’ve never seen a really good movie adaptation of it. Russia put out a decent shot in the 1960’s, but it was six hours long. Yet, I have to say the 1955 Hollywood offering felt longer. I first watched this movie when I was 12 and had a crush on Audrey Hepburn(kind of creepy considering she was dead at the time). So, needless to say, I had high hopes for this movie. I mean I had just gotten into classic movies, and along with my admiration for Audrey, Henry Fonda was also in the movie. How could it be bad? Well, first off, in 1955 Audrey Hepburn looked about fifteen. Seeing a fifty year old Henry Fonda hitting on her didn’t really do it for me. Besides that awkwardness, the movie moves at a snail’s pace, but that’s to be expected. I mean, it’s about a 17th century war in Russia(the Napoleon one). So, if you own the American Pie boxset this type of movie probably doesn’t work for you. Only one director could’ve probably pulled off War and Peace, and that director was David Lean. Well, I guess I can’t hold that against him. Ten years after this movie Lean made his own classic about Russia. King Vidor was no substitute. I love classic movies, but old doesn’t equal classic.
Life or Something Like It
I said at 12 I had a crush Audrey Hepburn. Well, from about 16 to, well, now I’ve been of a “fan” of Angelina Jolie’s. She’s just so damn hot. Being so hot you would think she should would somehow stumble her way into a good movie. It hasn’t really happened yet. Mr. and Mrs. Smith had it’s moments and Playing by Heart was enjoyable, but not one movie I’ve seen her in would I call truly good. Maybe if she is indeed in Sin City 2(if that even happens) I will be eating my words. Hey, she’s a good actress. Yet, she can’t make a bad movie good. The toughest selection on the list was trying to pick which one of her movies to put on here. Originally I had picked Taking Lives, but Life of Something Like It sucked a little bit more. I’ll say it again, Angelina Jolie is hot. She’s hot as brunette. I love blondes, but not a blonde Angelina. Her hair is so bad that’s it really distracting. You find yourself cringing at her hair rather than actually watching the scene. Ed Burns is her love interest and that didn’t really work for me either. The guy’s great at being annoying, but not as a leading man. Life or Something Like It was Angie’s shot at the great romantic comedy. Sleepless in Seattle this is not.
The Manchurian Candidate (2004)
With the horrible string of remakes Hollywood is just pouring out these days I had to pick one. I could’ve picked Peter Jackson’s boring version of King Kong or the horrible attempt at Hollywood being PC known as The Stepford Wives. Those two movies are remakes of really classic films, but at least I could see why those were remade. Making an updated version of a dated movie worked for Ocean’s Eleven(I loved Twelve too). Now, I will agree that the original Manchurian Candidate has it’s spots where it’s age shows. Yet, it works because it came from the madness of the cold war. The fictional enemy wasn’t some big corporation. It was an actual country. The 2004 Manchurian Candidate was that remake that you sit shaking your head at for two hours. Every thing they took from the 1960’s film was done so poorly. The original had such style. Jonathan Demme must have checked style at the door on this one.
Baby the Rain Must Fall
I have a lot of movie stars that I like. Yet, Steve McQueen might just be my favorite. He’s not called the king of cool by mistake. Steve McQueen was the man. He was the rich guy who robbed banks for fun, the prisoner who the Nazis couldn’t break, a renegade cop etc. I even liked him as the musician who gets a girl pregnant in Love with the Proper Stranger. Hey, I’m sucker for a good romantic comedy though. Baby the Rain Must Fall is a drama about a man who can’t grow up, but he must try because he has a family to take care of. It’s mediocre all the way through. If middle of the road drama isn’t bad enough, Steve McQueen sings. I think I’ve said enough.
Major League 2
If I’m to bash unnecessary remakes then I’ve got throw out the bad sequel. The first Major League is not a great movie, but it is a fun one. It’s almost a poor man’s Slap Shot. It’s that forgotten genre, the foul-mouth sports movie. It’s not the movie you own, but when it’s on AMC you stop and watch it. Well, I don’t think anyone watches the sequel. The original cast included Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger and Wesley Snipes. In the sequel Omar Epps replaced Wesley Snipes. You know a movie’s bad when even Wesley Snipes turns it down. The biggest mistake about the sequel is not the recasting though. The first film earned an R rating. It’s what made the movie fun. Major League 2 was PG-13. There’s nothing I hate more than wimping out. Major League 2 earns being called that special word. You know the one that starts with the letter after O and before Q in the alphabet. Major League 2 is in that great category of “PG-13 Sequels” such as Beverly Hills Cop 3 or Robocop 3. I pick Major League 2 because it got there one sequel sooner.
Hollywood Homicide
Harrison Ford is one of the great movie stars we’ve ever seen. He’s a man’s man, a classic leading man. He’s your doctor, president, CIA agent, space fighter and an archeologist. So being an everyman, playing a cop should work out well for him. Actually it did, in Witness. Hollywood Homicide is a movie about an old cop teaming up with a young one to solve a gang land murder. Seeing Han Solo trying navigate the world of hip hop is almost sacrilegious. Not really to me, but I bet a few of those Star Wars fans punched their mom’s tvs. Harrison Ford is a great actor and Josh Harnett can be good at times. The two together doesn’t really rival Redford and Newman though.
City by the Sea
Harrison Ford is a great actor. Robert De Niro is a better one. He’s got as big of a list of great performances as anyone. I’d even put the Meet the Parents series on his list of great performances. No one else could play the threatening father better than Sam Rothstein himself. The problem is with the success of Meet the Parents and Analyze This De Niro has cheapened himself by doing movies that only Samuel L. Jackson would love. Robert De Niro has been going down the route that Jimmy Stewart went down in the 1960’s. The great dramatic actor turning to parodies of himself for success. So, when De Niro does a drama I want to see it because it might be his last. City by the Sea is a drama about a cop who’s son is accused of murder and the cop tries to prove his son’s innocence. De Niro isn’t by any means bad in this movie, but James Franco is as De Niro’s son. What can you expect from an actor who’s only passable acting has been being a spoiled little baby in Spiderman? My biggest complaint though is that the movie is just plain mediocre. Maybe it’s that Scorsese wasn’t behind the camera, but this isn’t anything close to being memorable. De Niro’s done a lot of crap in the last 10 years. I had to pick one movie.
War of the Worlds (2005)
Tom Cruise is as successful of a movie star as is possible. The guy makes money like no one else. He’s even a good actor(yeah I said it). He’s great when the role requires him to turn it up to ten, but conserving is not a word he knows. So when directing legend Steven Spielberg tried to do what he called “de-Tom Cruise” him for his role in War of the Worlds it was bound to fail. Movies about aliens starting a war with Earth have only one task. Have good special effects. War of the Worlds succeeds with flying colors. The alien ships, or tripods as they’re called, are actually quite frightening. The problem was that the true king of Hollywood wanted his film to also be a study humanity. Tom Cruise is supposed to be a man just trying to keep his children alive. He doesn’t have the ability as an actor to pull it off. Maybe Tom Hanks should’ve been tapped. I think the key to what Worlds needed was an actor who the audience could get behind. Audiences can get behind Cruise when he’s that cocky pilot, or a cocky sports agent and even as a cocky lawyer, but as sympathetic father, I don’t think so. I don’t think I’ve ever said this, but I’d rather watch Independence Day.
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Go ahead, hate me. Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy has some of the best special effects I’ve ever seen. Yet, I’m not one of those people who can be won over by special effects alone. When they’re used with really true style like in Sin City or 300 I love it. The problem with the LOTR movies is if you’re not in love with CGI, there’s not much there for you. The acting is extremely wooden, but that’s not what I disliked the most. Hey, I’m a guy who watches movies that are sometimes older than my grandparents, but Lord of the Rings is just too damn dorky for me. The entire idea of “The Battle of Middle-Earth” just makes me laugh. I know that’s how it was in the books, but I’m not writing about books. The movies were a dork-fest that made Star Wars look cool. Don’t worry though, Star Trek is still slightly higher on the lame scale. I can see why some people would like these movies, but I watched all three movies considering how hyped they were, but all I saw was wooden actors and characters. If I want to see an epic movie with good special effects I’ll go see 300 again. It’s 300 times better than the three LOTR movies combined.
*********************
That’s it my peeps. All 5 of you! I hope you enjoyed my complaints and grievances. I’ll see you in two weeks. Avoid Angelina Jolie movies! Bye….
Leon: The Professional: The pinnacle of action films. Luc Besson’s true masterpiece. It also happens to be Gary Oldman’s best performance ever, and that is saying something. Jean Reno is absolutely fabulous as well.
Fight Club: Raw, Visceral and just plain Twisted. The fights are great, the story, even better.
The Matrix: Though not critically acclaimed, no one can deny The Matrix’s influence on films following it. It changed the way we see action movies by raising the bar, and making us think at the same time.
Apocalypse Now: A truly mesmerizing film. Disturbing, action packed and hey, it’s got Brando.
Saving Private Ryan: The most amazing War Film ever made. PERIOD. Platoon, Apocalypse, FMJ, they are all great, but this is the king. The Big Mother of all war flicks.
Full Metal Jacket: 3 Words: Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. Without questions the most fear inspiring man on earth. OooRah!
Aliens: Terrifying H.R. Geiger inspired Aliens that bleed acid with pissy attitudes. Amazing.
Batman Begins: Finally Batman gets a movie and storyline to do him justice.
Braveheart: William Wallace and crew kick, stomp and beat the English out of Scotland.
Die Hard: A No Brainer here. Bruce Willis at his finest. Yippie Ki-Yay Motherf%$#er
Gladiator - Ridley Scott’s Masterpiece. Brutal, Inspiring, and BEAUTIFULLY Filmed.
Heat - Great action packed battle of wills between 2 Big Screen heavyweights: Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro.
Ben-Hur - There is a reason it won 11 Oscars. It is Charlton Heston, kicking ass.
Kill Bill Vol: 1- Quentin Tarantino’s INSANE Action Slaughterfest starring Uma Thurman as the jaded “Bride” out for revenge.
Platoon - The greatest Vietnam film of all time.
Se7en - David Fincher’s Disturbing, raw and viciously graphic tale about a serial killer murdering the unworthy to send a message.
Taxi Driver - Robert DeNiro’s most disturbing role ever.
Chinatown - Jack Nicholson is remarkeable here.
Reservoir Dogs - Tarantino’s finest work. Amazing cast, Keitel, Buscemi, Roth, Madsen. The Ear scene is just insane.
The Bourne Identity - Matt Damon bring Robert Ludlum’s character Jasion bourne to life, and kicks ass all along the way.
The Bourne Supremacy - Action packed, and better than the original
The Bourne Ultimatum - Can it get better? This franchise defies statistics by getting better with each movie.
Raging Bull - Brutal, Violent and Raw, DeNiro portrays the Short Tempered Jake LaMotta in one of his best roles ever.
Blade Runner - Harrison Ford hunts down replicants in this dark sci-fi flick.
The Dark Knight - The Best Batman film ever, and an epic film in general.
When Harry Met Sally
Every new romantic comedy seems to be branded with the praise, “it’s the best romantic comedy since When Harry Met Sally!” There is good reason to want this kind of praise, but rarely is it true. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan tackle the question, can men and women really be friends? This film has some of the most memorable, and honest lines in the genre, but if you haven’t seen Casablanca, prepare to know the ending.
High Fidelity
Like it or not, this is a romantic comedy, even if it wears hipster clothing. John Cusack embarks on a journey to find the cause of his failed relationships with the help of his misunderstood, record store co-workers, Jack Black and Todd Louiso. This flick also has an amazing soundtrack.
The American President
What better way to amp up a romance than to set it in the Oval Office with the witty, fast paced dialog of Aaron Sorkin? Michael Douglas is a widower and the President. Annette Benning is a lobbyist. In spite of themselves, they have a simple romance that turns into a PR nightmare for his re-election campaign. Michael J. Fox and Martin Sheen give memorable performances in this film and may even restore your faith in politics…for a little while.
Love Actually
Love, London and Christmas. A superb cast…really… evolves around each other experiencing love in their own, touching way. A must for Bill Nighey fans.
You’ve Got Mail
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan get mail, e-mail to be exact. In one of the first films to deal with online romance, there is a heated, book selling rivalry between the pair offline…as well as Parker Posey and Greg Kinnear as their significant others.
Pride and Prejudice
Believe it or not, this is a romantic comedy and has served as the inspiration for many others after it (Bridget Jones’ Diary). The 1995 version is the start of Colin Firth portraying Mr. Darcy and very true to the novel.
Serendipity
John Cusack, Kate Beckinsale and a pair of black gloves. A fate infused turn of events even has Jeremy Piven screaming, “Oh my God, the irony!”
Sleepless In Seattle
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are pros when it comes to falling in love without actually meeting each other. In this film, it’s over radio waves as she falls for a grieving widower who charms most thirty-something women in America. Rob Reiner and Rosie O’Donnel guest star in a flick about trumpets, fireworks, and tirimisu.
10 Things I Hate About You
Heath Ledger’s breakout performance in the States is a modern, teernage version of Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew. The surprise hit showed the early talent and star power of Ledger and Julia Stiles.
Benny & Joon
Johnny Depp plays Sam, who makes up for his inability to read with charm and Buster Keaton impressions. Mary Stuart Masterson plays Joon, who is under the care of her brother (Aidan Quinn) due to some mental issues. A quirky, genuine romance soon grows between Sam and Joon and their subtlety speaks volumes.
We have all read them and seen them quoted on the posters and DVD cases of countless movies, little snippets of wisdom from the masters of film review. From Rolling Stone, Ebert & Roeper and local radio and newspaper ads, we have all been duped and surprised by their suggestions and positive and negative quips. They are all quite cross influenced as well, as these lines of sage wisdom are being more and more recycled as the days go by. But beware, these people really don’t know what they are even saying anymore, they only poses a collection of sentences that are randomly selected and slapped on a marketing campaign and the studios and distributors are glad for the opportunity. With all that in mind here are some definitions of the most used fanciful fragments.
“A White-Knuckle Thrill Ride!’
This one is getting more usage as the American film market keeps remaking classic and foreign horror films. All this means is that there are plenty of “jump” segments with no substance and a sub-standard narrative, with no scare factor at all. Just cheap thrills that are created by the editor and composer, not the cast nor the director.
“…Keeps You Guessing to the End!”
Ah the twist, the trend that is getting old way too fast, and has lost its theatrical savor as well. There are films that have great twists e.g. The Empire Strikes Back, Fight Club, The Sixth Sense etc. but now it is popular to do so. And never put this catchy little ad in or on a review, it kind of ruins the surprise effect that the screenwriter intended.
“Adrenaline Fueled Action!”
Most used on the films of the dwindling action film genre, that is in bad need of reinvention and a good housecleaning. The action that we see in a movie labeled with this kiss-of-death phrase usually includes useless pretty boys trying to look tough and a script that is trying to be smarter than it really is. We don’t need “smart” action movies, we need straight-up Die Hard styled stories with explosions and an interesting villain, that’s all.
“Insanely Funny!”
I’m quite sure that any movie labeled with this is NOT funny, there are very few movies that make me laugh anymore, and it is usually not a comedy that does so. I know that everyone finds different things to be funny, but I have never seen a comedy with this phrase in the advertising to be funny. Watch for recycled jokes, sexual banter, and irreverence in these titles.
I suppose that I have vented enough for now, be watching for the second installment!
The Actor
Of all people, the bumbling casting picked Brandon Routh to play Superman. Why, because they happen to look alike? The comic book Christopher Reeves appearance for Superman died when Smallville became entrenched in the mind of the movie culture. When people think of Superman today, they think Tom Welling, not Brandon Routh. It doesn’t matter that Welling doesn’t have the classic Superman look. What matters is the perception of the public. The public wants Welling and anyone else should be the second choice.
Villains
The knock against Superman has always been that the villains he faces are flat in personality, uninteresting and totally suck. If we compare Superman to Batman, the latter’s villains are almost as popular as the hero and like the hero, have etched themselves in mainstream culture. Most people have heard of The Joker, Catwoman and The Penguin. How many people have heard of even one Superman villain? (Lex Luther doesn’t count because he’s not really a true villain and is probably the most inept criminal in the history of crime) Superman needs either some stiff competition or early retirement. (If you can call fighting crime since 1933 early.)
Passing On the Wrong Girl
With all due respect to Lois Lane, anybody, superhero or not) who passes on Lana Lang for the annoying reporter doesn’t deserve their own movie. Ya ok, Kristin Kreuk may have taken Lana Lang up a notch or two in the comic world, but who cares? Superman should have thought with his little head instead of his big one.
L is for Loser
What is with the L.L. initials? Lana Lang, Lois Lane, Lex Luther and Loose Lacey. (Ok, I made the last one up) Is there a reason that Siegel and Shuster used predominantly L.L. initials? Comic book fans would have cried cheese if Peter Parker’s love interest was called Penelope Peters, Norman Osborn’s name was Petrovich Peterson and Harry Osborn’s name was Petreski Peterson. Change the names. It’s damn lame.
What’s good About Kansas?
I can’t stand the portrayal of Kansas as some clean cut state anymore. Well all know that Superman is just a story, but this denial that Kansas is full of nuns and pro bono lawyers is a pile of Kent farm manure. Kansas, like most of the world, excels at two things: Creative and repetitive intoxication and freaky frivolous fornication. I may be a bit facetious with that remark, but you get my drift. At least we can all take solace in the fact that the creators didn’t pick Iowa or Nebraska as Kal-El’s home.
He Doesn’t Fly
The line “He leaps over tall buildings in a single bound” is exactly that. Superman never has and never will fly. Superman only learned flight during his transition from print to the big screen. Now, I’m not one of those comic freaks that foolishly believe the story of a superhero must stay the same when he/she makes the big jump to Hollywood. It’s a totally different medium and it isn’t realistic to expect the story to stay exactly the same. That begin said, changing the powers of a superhero is a little much. Just imagine the director of Batman deciding that Bruce Wayne will be able to shoot fireballs out of his ass during the movie adaption. Laughable and pathetic.
Killer Kryptonite
If I see one more piece of Kryptonite I’m going to light the Kent farm on fire. Green, red, white, yellow, blue, burgundy and whatever other kind of color some writer has thought up. It’s getting old and dull. If a story is going to continue for almost a century, then the writers better make sure there is enough original material to keep us and the story going. Simply recreating the same old idea of multi-colored geology isn’t going to cut it.
Live a Little
For a movie to work, the main character or characters need to be up to date with contemporary culture. People either need to automatically relate to the individual or they had better be told why said person behaves the way they do. This good vs. bad ideology just doesn’t work at this point in human evolution. We generally prefer troubled souls who have to make tough decisions (Spiderman) or a tweener that flip flops between the light and the dark and often commits morally questionable acts. (Batman) Loyalists would argue that changing Superman in anyway would be sacrilegious. However, all the other popular mainstream characters have undergone some sort of alteration over their long history. Superman had better catch up to the times or get his sorry ass back to Krypton.
Where the Heck is Metropolis?
Apparently Metropolis is a copy of Toronto in layout, but is located in the state of Kansas. The only two places in Kansas that would qualify as being more that small hamlets would be Topeka and Wichita. Since both of these “towns” don’t have buildings over three stories, or paved roads for that matter, it seems a little preposterous for even a fictional setting like Metropolis to be located in a state where a traffic jam is three cars in one intersection.
Is That a Disguise?
What makes my blood boil the most when is comes to Superman is the disguise. He takes the gel out of his hair and puts on glasses and then proceeds to parade around Metropolis without any of the apparently gullible metropolians (or whatever you call them) recognizing him. What’s even worse is that he changes in a see through phone booth! What’s next? Batman getting into his gear beside an ATM, hoping that nobody catches a glimpse of his big chin?